This has been a season of pruning for me in the midst of grace. This blog will be a tough one to write because it requires me to be completely vulnerable and open. My goal is to not just share the good part of my journey but the tough parts as well. Why? Because it's all a part of the process. And if you are on this faith journey too than you may have already gone through this or you will go through it along the way too. So just know that you, my friend, are not alone. We are traveling this faith journey together.
On Valentines Day of this year, I found myself setting in the graveyard where my grandparents are buried. I had just bought a heart shaped donut and a Mtn Dew. It was where I felt led to go and park, eat my donut, and talk to the Lord. As I was setting there I had asked the Lord why I was feeling the way I was feeling the last two to three weeks. I had been dealing with a heaviness and a form of depression that was beginning to take me over. I was tired both physically and spiritually. The battle had been hard, and I was battle worn.
I had previously shared how the Lord led me and my family to prepare for transition and then it went from that to where I'm at right now and that is in the valley praying that I will see the promised land sometime soon. Being a Christian doesn't mean our lives are going to always be good it just means we won't go through the hard parts alone, even if it feels like it, and that there is hope for the future. But as I sat in the graveyard, I heard the Lord say I am having to prune the dead things off of you before you can go into your next season because it can't go with you. I thought I knew but I had no idea just how much I would feel the effects of the pruning until later. It's been a month and 3 days since I sat in the graveyard and the Lord told me that. Since then, I have questioned so many things in the process. I have questioned if I was hearing God correctly, questioning my discernment, my judgement, the people in my life. I have come so close to just throwing in the towel completely and praying God just have mercy on my soul. One of the hardest parts is feeling like you are so alone despite knowing that you are not and that God is with you. And like no one understands. You just feel like you just don't belong anywhere anymore. The enemy is trying his hardest to isolate me and my family completely and discourage to the point I just want to throw in the towel. But God. All I know to do is to keep putting one foot in front of the other and trust that even in the midst of the noise and confusion I will trust and believe that I was hearing God correctly, that I do have a calling on my life, and that I am exactly where God wants me to be for the time being. And even though I feel all alone I know that God is preparing those that I can safely call my tribe. So many feelings and things have re surfaced for me to feel and to deal with and God is still pruning away and boy does it hurt. Removing relationships among many other things. But I'm looking forward to the fruit that will blossom and that will be produced once it's all said and done with. In saying that I am so grateful for His grace through it all. I have not been the nicest person through it and I pray God will forgive me for the complaining, the anger, the hurt, and many other emotions that has come up that I am having to work through. But I have to believe that it will all be worth it in the end. I am believing that the work He began in me He will finish and that He knows what is best for me and my family and that I have to trust Him in that and believe that I won't be in this wilderness forever and neither will you.... because He is making ALL THINGS NEW!
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